Conservative, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
~The Devil's Dictionary

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Much has been written of late regarding the state of the U.S. economy. It has come to my attention that despite the prodigious input from the illuminati on this topic, some confusion still reigns among rank and file consumers and taxpayers.

As a public service, I have decided to set things straight for everyone. To that end I have undertaken to read the lead stories from recent pages of the Wall Street Journal, Forbes Magazine and Cap'n Billy's Whiz Bang. I have melded them together in one cogent report and presented it here without charging my usual consulting fee in such matters. Feel free to clip and distribute it among the fiscally confused among you.

Despite reports of budget shortfalls at the social security office, pentagon and post office, we are assured that budget surplus checks are finding their way into the mails and will be ultimately, if scornfully, delivered. Whether the surplus begat the shortfall or vice versa shall be left to the hairsplitters. I for one have no problem processing these contradictory indicators thus disproving the theory of my cadre of analysts that bi-polar personality disorders have no redeeming qualities.

The Washington Post warned us on August 20 that a bad upturn in the jobless rate portended a gloomy economic picture even as the AP proudly reported that the leading indicators had risen sharply for the 4th consecutive month. On the same day, Reuters took a firm stand on both sides of the fence by reporting that Signs of the Economic Rebound were proving elusive. That nobody pointed out to Reuters that the absence of positive signs might suggest there was no rebound in the first place proved to be a simplistic solution to a convolluted story, apparently.

Meanwhile, the White House "stood behind" it's earlier projections but declined to reiterate what those had been and when they had been delivered.

While the Federal Reserve is in favor of "staying the course" it has seen fit to slash interest rates 6 times this year alone thus muddying the navigational waters regarding exactly which course it had resolved to stay.

But according to Sung Won Sohn, chief economist at Wells Fargo & Co., the aforementioned tax rebates will soon be in the hands of consumers who will all run out and not only spend the rebates back into the economy, but will also leverage those rebates by using them for down payments on loans. This will rectify everything by increasing consumer debt...which...if I'm not mistaken, is what got us here in the first place. On the other hand I have never known Sung Won Sohn to lie.

So there you have it. The latest update on the economy. Unfortunately the Ethics Pledge I signed persuant to accepting my position as Roving Economic Reporter for this publication precludes me from taking advantage of what I've learned for personal gain. You the reader suffer under no such constraints so I urge you to use this column as a blueprint for your future investments, estate planning and tax strategies.

If you see Sung Won in your travels give him my regards.

Live well and prosper.