I've been doing some research on bad guys and good guys of the Old West for my summerlong theatre project in Texas. Of course I suppose "research" spins it in pretty self-important terms. Actually I've been reading other people's research.

I was looking into the various myths and legends surrounding Billy the Kid and Pat Garrett, the man history says killed him in 1881. Local legends from Hico, Texas to LasCruces, New Mexico offer some other compelling possibilities.

An unnamed source who supposedly knew Garrett most of his life said that what made him an excellent lawman was his intense suspicion of all living things. The man said that Garrett once told him he hated flowers because they moved so slowly that he could never quite figure out what they were up to.

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Speaking of local legends, I was in one of the Ft. Worth libraries last week admiring an oil painting of Amon Carter, publisher of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram until his death in 1955. The painting was tyical of corporate hierarcy lobby poses except for one detail. He is holding a brown paper bag in one hand. I questioned the curator who laughed and said that Carter's hatred and jealousy of neighboring Dallas was so intense that he always carried a sack lunch when he had to visit "Big D" on business because he refused to add "one thin dime" to the Dallas economy by buying his lunch there.

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Does it distress anybody else that the bordering countries of France and Germany, two of the most highly developed nations in the free world, respectively hold Jerry Lewis and David Hasselhoff in particularly high esteem as entertainers? Just sayin'.

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The art of diplomacy has either risen or sunken to levels that are beyond my ability to comprehend. I am particularly amused at the posturing over the latest offering in ultimate weapons; the proposed U.S. "Missile Shield" as it has now come to be known.

Pretty much everyone seems to be against it; everyone lying outside our borders that is. They don't like the idea because it makes them "uncomfortable". We seem to be trying to assuage this international whining by downplaying the apparent military superiority the system will afford.

Poppycock. When will the U.S. stop feeling the need to apologize for our own capabilities? The French have come out against it as well. What a shock.

I thought that intimidating one's enemies was pretty much the job of an "ultimate weapon". I'm fond of the notion that we might have a system that causes other nations some consternation. I sure wouldn't think much of one that left them carefree, light-hearted and gregariously confident of their chances as they contemplate an armed conflict.

Call me crazy but I kind of like the idea of having a weapon system that drives the other guy's warroom strategians to incontinence as they contemplate the consequences of aggravating us.

I wonder if the Hitiites or the Huns or whoever invented the catapult had that same problem?

I suppose so.

It would not surprise me to learn that the French had sent a delegation to Attila the Hun registering their disgruntlement with his new found capacity to chunk cow-sized rocks through their pitchfork wielding legions and that he should cease and desist immediatley because it was giving them all scary dreams.

Wonder how Attila's spin doctors would have handled that? Raucous laughter would be my guess. I kind of like that. I think raucous laughter should be adopted by the State Department as a default response to such complaints.

NOTE...I never did find "disgruntlement" in the dictionary but couldn't find one there that I liked better so I let it stand.