Remember the old coded horoscopes that newspapers used to run? I miss those. They were arrayed in a frame of horoscopic icons along with a series of hyphenated numbers so your fortune for the day might look like this: 22-14-8-3 and might translate to "YOU WILL TRAVEL SOON".

It was all very cryptic and mysterious and people would giggle when they read them. It had the added appeal of a puzzle as you got to think you were clever when you decoded your personal message. Sadly, we got more sophisticated though and after years of 4 and 5 word horoscopes we shrewdly deduced that with a few billion souls on earth there might be more than a dozen different destinies to be plotted on a given day.

In addition, in today's information age, we have gotten more demanding. Horoscopes now must speak directly to us even though the number of birth signs have not increased. It appears that the horoscope folks have risen to the occasion but I can't say I'm fond of the result.

Here are mine from last week, for example:

SUNDAY: Humility is your watchword this week. Take a lowkey approach and you will be amply awarded. The Eternal Hum is striking your chord, just don't get excited and blow it. You have a piece of egg in your beard from breakfast.

MONDAY: You are on top of the world. You can do no wrong. Put your best foot forward and exalt in the knowledge that all in your path will bow down and give you your due. You could meet a new love interest today. Be your charming self as this lady COULD be the one! Don't forget to pickup milk on your way home.

TUESDAY: Don't be so cocky. That tendency of yours to think you rule the walk is going to bring you to grief. Try a little humility for a change? Bad news about the new lady in your life. She was the inspiration for and technical advisor on Fatal Attraction. Run away. Get an unlisted phone and remove all sharp objects from your utility drawers. Do not enter the house at night alone. The phone is ringing.

WEDNESDAY: Why are you hiding your light under a bushel? Step up and take charge the way you know you can. Few are the things who comes to the man who waits but don't be hasty. Patience is a virtue but remember that God helps those who help themselves. Start learning to write with your left hand. Walk more. You're getting paunchy.

THURSDAY: What is it with you? Look up patience in the dictionary and settle back. The winds of favor in the universe would blow in your favor if you would allow things to happen rather than force them but stop waiting for the world to beat a path to your door. You need roughage. You will eat a bowl of ice cream later and get a really bad headache. You've seen Madison, Wisconsin for the last time.

FRIDAY: You lazy no good for nothing shirker! Why can't you get up off your dead bottom and do something for a change! Lying on the sofa watching TV is an incredible waste of your talents. God is really angry with you and thinks you are a little creep. He wants you to come out in the open where He can get to you. Decline all arm wrestling challenges.

SATURDAY: Balance is what you need. Jack is a dull boy if he is ALL work or ALL play. Must everything be all black or all white with you? My what a pathetic loser you've turned out to be. It's a good thing your father didn't live to see how you turned out, it would kill him. If a telemarketer calls with an incredible opportunity, look into it.

If they get any more specific I'm going to ask that they begin delivering mine in a plain, brown paper.